“The many ways to listen have been reaching into me for years. To enter deep listening, I’ve had to learn how to keep emptying and opening, how to keep beginning. I’ve had to lean into all I don’t understand, accepting that I am changed by what I hear.” – Mark Nepo
“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” – Sue Thoele
One of my professors in graduate school told our class that we as therapists needn’t do much more than really listen to our patients. “Your office will be one of the only places where that happens to them,” she explained. And it’s true. We usually don’t really listen to each other, which is a serious problem because all verbal human communication depends on listening, so we usually deal with each other on the periphery, despite being the highly socially oriented beings that we are. The pervasive lack of adequate listening is one of the main reasons why our culture is broken.
Why are we so deficient in listening skills? My sense is that we lack critical qualities that enable us to take in that which is being said to us, carefully and thoroughly. The most critical of those qualities is patience. We are a rushed and compulsively busy, finding it really difficult to stop doing. In fact, we often don’t find doing one thing engaging enough, so we’ll listen to a podcast or watch TV while eating dinner or compulsively scroll through our phones in the bathroom. Impatience has taken much from us. I used to enjoy going to baseball games, for example, appreciating the slow, artistic pace of the game. In recent years, the baseball stadium ambience has morphed into needless nonstop entertainment. There is never a break; fans are bombarded with ostensibly fun stimuli, literally every second. What is implied is that we need, or at least want all that additional stimulation, that we are too impatient to wait for the pitcher to throw his next pitch, or for next inning to begin. I don’t go anymore.
If we were not so anxious to keep going, moment after moment, we might find ourselves more capable of being patient. Impatience impedes quality listening; we are typically composing the next thing we’re going to say as the other is speaking, therefore missing much of what is being said. We may nod appropriately and keep good eye contact, but we are missing a lot. It may be subtleties in speech, the way emotion plays into it, or even the actual content. Worse, we often interrupt, jumping in before the other is finished, which doesn’t feel good to either person.
With deep listening, we simply STOP. Everything in our minds steps aside so we can focus completely on what is being said to us. Awareness of the breath is helpful, keeping us in the present moment and reminding us of what we’re doing and why. It is a markedly different experience communicating with deep listening. When one is being listened to in that way, one feels supported, understood and appreciated. When deep listening is present, resentment and frustration are much less likely. We show the other that we truly care about what they are saying. We hold space for them.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the late Vietnamese Zen Master, conducted a retreat for American GIs with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from combat in the Vietnam War (called the American war by the Vietnamese). These veterans had been fighting to the death with people like Thich Nhat Hanh; they had been conditioned to hate, dehumanize and kill the Vietnamese. The well meaning meditation teacher would certainly have initially been a potent trigger for them. But Thich Nhat Hanh broke through and was successful because, as he explains, he engaged in deep listening and the vets experienced empathy, compassion and understanding. Consequently, all their defensive, conditioned responses gave way to complete openness, allowing healing to take place.
On a deeper level, awareness of Interbeing, the interconnectedness of all things, is present when we listen deeply. We are truly making the other just as important as we are, manifesting intense interest without the need to criticize, challenge or change what is being said. It is a form of love. Deep listening can allow us to communicate successfully with people whose ideas are markedly different from our own, without becoming angry, aggressive or defensive. It points the way to reconciliation and healing, giving us the ability to be with material that is at odds with the way we personally see things. It gives others the right to be different and allows us to connect deeply with them despite whatever conflict may be there. The pervasive divide that has overcome our world is crying for deep listening. It is the only way we can begin to understand each other, which is more necessary than ever, if we are to become truly peaceful.
Deep Listening is necessary whenever we want to reach a deep understanding of each other. Please hit the “Book Your Appointment” tab if you’d like to discuss this in terms of your own life.
