As children, when we did something that our parents (or those representing them) considered “wrong,” the consequences were unpleasant by design: When we were punished for our alleged transgressions, the response from whoever was in authority was not supposed to feel good – and it did not. The same model continues into adulthood. When we go outside what is expected of us, or in some way violate the status quo, we are met with disapproval and criticism; it generally does not feel good. When we have to answer for our mistakes, we are often not treated well. There is a lot of pain in being imperfect.
It is not surprising, then, that we learned to treat ourselves that same way when we get things wrong. So we turn on ourselves much as others turned on us when we were young. Consequently, the problem of unkind self-talk is added to the problem of erring and we can end up pretty upset. Think about it: When you make a mistake and get angry and chastise yourself for it, doesn’t it make things feel much worse? With an unsympathetic response, we only bring deeper pain and trouble.
Furthermore, just as we were persecuted as children for the mere existence of parts of ourselves that were less than charming, as adults, we usually have little tolerance for the parts of ourselves that do not bring us success or fulfillment. C. G. Jung referred to the unwanted parts of ourselves as “Shadow,” a term derived from these parts existing outside the “light” of the ego. In a Jungian analysis, the Shadow is generally the first thing to be brought into consciousness and examined.
Because of how the culture conditions us, kindness and self-compassion are nowhere around when we are encountering aspects of ourselves that we don’t approve of. It’s a shame; that’s when we need them the most. The good news is that we can change the way we respond to ourselves.
Instead of chastising yourself next time you get it wrong, or witness a part of yourself that you are uncomfortable with, try to become aware of the feeling you have in response to that experience. Is it exasperation? Contempt? Frustrated impatience? Embarrassment? Perhaps you feel some of all of those things. But instead of going negative, as we usually do in such situations, try to resist criticizing yourself for what you did (or didn’t do) or what you are (or are not). Instead, make an attempt to get a really good feeling for the unpleasant emotion that is present, not to change it or flush it out, but to get close to it, directly experience it, and understand it. What does it feel like to sit with your mistake or an unwanted part of yourself? How does that kind of suffering feel?
After you have a fleshed out sense of the feeling, bring compassion to it. When we are kind to this kind of pain, we are moving toward restoring a good, grounded sense of ourselves. When we chastise ourselves, we go in the opposite direction. It is critical to remember that the painful response to failure that we are dealing with is not an individual feeling; it is a human response to getting it wrong, which we all withstand, all through life. The more we allow that awareness to inform our responses, the easier it is to move on in a positive way. Making mistakes and being imperfect come with the gig; there is no way out of it. To become accepting of the more difficult moments creates a more peaceful, content life. It is well worth the effort!
It’s not easy doing this, although the article may make it seem so. Hit the “Book an Appointment” tab if you’d like to discuss how you’ve experienced this process!
