“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.”
- Cherokee Proverb
“People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
– Albert Einstein
The idea is very simple, yet most of us, at least at times, find it immensely challenging to stay there for more than a few seconds, which means that even though we learn that living in the past and the future creates suffering, as humans, we will inevitably end up having a difficult time letting go of them.
Mindfulness ultimately comes down to being fully, consciously alive in the present moment. In its teachings we find little else. And it’s essentially an easy formula: Let go of the past and the future and you arrive happily in the present. There are countless quotes about it, from the Buddha to Oprah, today.
It is our brains that cause the problem. They are relentlessly driven to thought, which most often involves looking at, examining and analyzing the countless facets of our lives – parts of them that are either already finished, and those not yet here. We are drawn to self-reflection. So, we naturally drift toward what happened and what might happen. Anxieties, worries, excitement and curiosity all converge to take us out of where life really is and dump us in the world of what was and will never be again, or the one that will never arrive, because the future that keeps occupying our thoughts will always lie ahead of us.
The greater the energy that the object of our thinking holds for us – the more important it is – the more easily we keep involuntarily returning to it and the harder it is to leave it alone. The more intensely you are worrying about, say, the big meeting you have tomorrow and know little about, the harder it is for you to put it out of your mind and be free of the anxiety it is causing you. We all know this happens. But what we often fail to look at is the fact that our reaction is to the way we are looking at the meeting, not the meeting itself.
If we can arrive at a more relaxed attitude toward whatever is driving the stressful thought, we’ll find it easier to return to the present moment, less pulled by the disruptive thoughts. The more our thoughts about that big meeting evoke feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear, perfectionism or inadequacy, the harder it will be to keep them out of mind and stay present.Those feelings shape the way we respond to all such past and future distractions. Moreover, staying in the present moment requires us to look deeply,on an ongoing basis, into why we are being pulled out of it.
When we discover the root of a strong response, it becomes grist for the mill in our mindfulness practice: we notice HOW we respond and then look deeply into WHY. When we give our attention to where the feelings are coming from, patterns, hidden attitudes and results of our conditioning all come into focus and become the objects of our investigation. Often this works better in the environment of psychotherapy, although we can often do much of it ourselves.
Another helpful tool is looking at the idea you can’t let go of within the context of the big picture. If, for example, you have committed yourself to trying to be accepting of everything that you experience, and you believe, correctly, that having that attitude will lead to a more positive relationship with your struggles, remind yourself that you feel that way. Big picture: place the small event into the larger, more important schema, which is of greater importance than any of its parts. It will be grounding because you’ll be looking at it within a relatively stable structure that you built that offers you ongoing familiarity and stability. You are allowing your general attitude toward how you live to positively affect a smaller event.
It may also be helpful to focus more on being than doing, withdrawing from the achievement-driven state of mind, during meditation. Briefly opening your eyes wide may break you out of a persistent thought. Sometimes staying with the breath and using phrases like “I know I’m breathing in; I know I’m breathing out,” can help calm things down because the words take space in your head and can offer protection from the unwanted ones . It is also useful to observe our thoughts throughout the day as often as we can, trying to see them with a neutral mind, with no judgment, which will hopefully influence the overall mental climate. But my experience tells me in no uncertain terms that sometimes the thoughts won’t leave you alone no matter what you do, particularly while you’re meditating.
But don’t despair; every one of us has had that experience. A walk outside may give you time to think more deeply about what distracted you, and nature’s beauty can be strong medicine. A bit of self-compassion may also help: You are not the only one; recognizing it as a human problem, rather than your problem, can give you an easier perspective. And we are well served bringing kindness to the poor struggler in us.
Together, we are, from each of our unique perspectives, trying to make things better, little by little, within and without. Appreciate your efforts rather than criticizing them. Recognizing we’ve been away is itself an awakening. If you are making the effort, it deserves your gratitude and self-compassion.
If this rings true for you or you want to talk about your struggles with staying present – or anything else related to this article – I’d love to speak with you. Please schedule a phone call!
