“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.”
-Chinese Proverb
Assigning blame for our own mistakes and shortcomings works as a defense mechanism, which means, by definition, it is done unconsciously. When we do it, we externalize our responsibility for difficult aspects and events of our lives – our limitations and mistakes – as a way of avoiding the accompanying unpleasant emotions, such as shame and guilt. The process of referring out our shortcomings is a form of projection. Moreover, psychological research tells us that the more fragile the ego, the greater the likelihood that we will engage in such defensive behaviors, because we are unable to be with the pain associated with what we project onto another.
Regarding unfair blame coming from the other direction, we must try to deal with the possibility that the other person is unconsciously engaged in a self-protective defense mechanism with us as the target. When a defense protects a poorly regulated nervous system from the overwhelm of guilt and shame, we can expect such high vulnerability to lead to finger-pointing. So, awareness of the dynamics of projection can help us reduce our feeling of responsibility for the mistakes of others when we are being asked to carry those mistakes and be responsible for them.
A third way in which we are confronted with blame is when we bring it on ourselves. Self-blame is commonly associated with a history of trauma. It is especially true when the trauma has occurred through no fault of our own: We did not want it, ask for it, or feel at all okay with it happening. A prevalent example would be childhood sexual abuse. Self-blame runs particularly deep in those of us who are vulnerable, through our histories, to being manipulated. The vulnerability stems from the conditioned belief that something is wrong with us. Our natural emotions are felt as wrong and shameful.
The attempt to get out of the self-critical trap can lead to a search for perfection, often through spiritual pursuits. We inevitably run into problems when we seek perfection; we are not capable of it! But when we are holding ourselves to a perfectionistic expectation, we become angry or disgusted with ourselves whenever we fall short. The fact that there is a spiritual underpinning gives it even more weight and intensity, and perhaps fear.
Self-compassion is our good friend in such situations. It is helpful when we realize that what we have done is not unique to us; it is an inevitable human behavior that many others have experienced. Getting in touch with a more universal expression of our feeling and its accompanying pain relieves us of the intensity of that blame when we carry it ourselves. We can also simply recognize that we are seeking the impossibility of perfection and that we are unfairly holding ourselves responsible for not achieving it. Even more healing is to get closely in touch with the part of us that feels that pain of falling short – the part that hurts. Then, instead of chastising or invalidating, we bring kindness and compassion. We recognize the part that wants to reject and punish us; we reassure it that we know it’s there and that we are okay with it. The result will usually be a diminishing of the feeling. As is true in many situations and with many conditions, acceptance and compassion are healing. We need to remember that.
Where does this article take you? If it brings up any questions or concerns, or if you’d like to discuss something else, please reach out to me with the “Book Your Appointment” tab!
